Do you love memoirs about ordinary women with extraordinary lives?
Are you looking for an inspiring page-turner?
Here’s what women like you are saying about CLEAVED:
… I can’t put it down. It’s warm, honest, brilliant. – Jan Harkin, Melbourne, Victoria
Honestly you’ve touched every emotion and feeling in my heart. – Magdalini Lazarro, Melbourne, Victoria
I can’t put into words how much I enjoyed your book! – Sheralyn Iljcesen, , South Australia.
‘I just finished it. I’m in bits. Such a beautiful story. – Susie Penrice Tyrie, Singapore
My heart has been deeply touched by your story. –Eileen Dielesen, Perth, Western Australia
I practically inhaled your book – I found it such a fascinating story, beautifully written. – Jane Haley, Hobart, Tasmania
Shamefully, I’ve been lying around all day finishing it, cause I couldn’t put it down. – Suzanne Walshe, Maldon, Victoria
I am still ‘in the movie’ of your book in my head…It was transformative – Katherine Seppings, Harcourt, Victoria
…an incredible story. Beautifully written, … Personally, I found it hard to put down… – Bronnie Dean, Harcourt, Victoria.
I devoured CLEAVED last Thursday night and was totally engrossed by your story. –Theresa Dickinsen , Canberra.
THE STORY
The story of two sisters who were lost and then found, CLEAVED is the page-turning, funny and tragic memoir of Australian playwright and journalist JANE CAFARELLA.
Raised under the same roof, each allied to a different parent, Jane and her older sister Julie are foot soldiers in their parents’ marital war. Jane is Mum’s. Julie is Dad’s.
The situation is normal, even if Jane’s not. ‘Just tell them you were born that way,’ her mother says when she’s taunted at school for having one fat and one skinny leg.
There’s no name for it and no cure, so it’s ignored, subsumed by bigger family problems.
The emotional cleaving becomes physical when their parents finally separate when Jane is 17 and Julie is 18.
Six months later, an explosive discovery blows Jane and her mother away from the whole extended family forever.
CLEAVED is both a mystery and a search for truth: a sister story, a women’s story, an immigration story, and story of resilience, forgiveness and compassion, told by a master storyteller.
Me at age 13 in high school. This was the last photo I allowed that showed my leg. I soon learned to sit at the back. Later, as it worsened, I wore long dresses or flares to hide it.
*Jane’s ‘big leg’ as her mother called it, was later diagnosed as Milroy’s Disease, a rare form of congenital lymphoedema. In her 20s, she underwent a series of reduction operations with world-renowned micro surgeon Bernard O’Brien for whom the O’Brien Foundation in Melbourne is named. https://www.obrienfoundation.com/history/
$2 from every purchase of the print version of CLEAVED and $1 from every purchase of the e-book is donated to the leading global organisation for lymphatic research and education, the USA-based Lymphatic Education & Research Network (LE&RN)Lymphatic Education and Research Network,
HERE’S WHAT FELLOW AUTHORS ARE SAYING:
An extraordinary story, vividly told – Angela Savage
Candid and compelling – Hazel Edwards
PURCHASE CLEAVED HERE FOR THE SPECIAL CHRISTMAS PRICE OF $30 including postage for the paperback version. OFFER ENDS DECEMBER 15 (to allow time for delivery.) BRADLEY – CAN YOU CREATE A FORM AND BUTTON FOR THIS?
OR
DOWNLOAD the e-book here for $3.99
The World Health Organization estimates that up to 250 million people worldwide live with the incurable, disfiguring, progressive, and little-known disease called lymphedema. In Jane Cafarella’s new memoir, CLEAVED, the veil of secrecy surrounding lymphedema is stripped away as we meet a young girl in Australia living with an undiagnosed deformity. Ms. Cafarella weaves a stirring and universal coming-of-age story where the audience gets a rare glimpse of the impact of living with a disability while traversing the many roads on life’s journey.
William Repicci, CEO of the Lymphatic Education and Research Network (USA), the leading global organisation for lymphatic research and advocacy..
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(If you usually come to this website for free theatre monologues, this post may be a surprise. I hope you’ll consider reading my book, which is full of family drama!)
This was the question I chose to discuss last month when I had the honour of delivering the keynote speech for the 2023 Nance Donkin Award for Children’s Literature, presented biennially by the Society of Women’s Writers’ Victoria. (Scroll down to read the speech).
Although I am not a children’s author, like Nance Donkin I was a journalist who championed women’s rights, so in many ways I was a kindred spirit.
It was a privilege to hear about the wonderful work of all five nominees, Teena Raffa-Mulligan from Western Australia, Susanne Gervay OAM, from New South Wales, Pamela Rushby from Queensland, Alison Lester from Victoria and Sharon Booth from Tasmania, many of whom were familiar to me from the books I’d read to my own children.
Congratulations to the winner, PAMELA RUSHBY.
Pamela is the author of more than 200 books and has won many awards. Like the stories Nance Donkin, many of Pamela’s stories are inspired by history.
First published in 1877, and still going strong. According to Amazon it sold more than two and a half million copies
Many years ago, while fossicking in a rambling second-hand bookshop in Guildford, near Castlemaine, I came across a children’s book called A Peep Behind the Scenes by Mrs O. F. Walton.
Seeing this book was like greeting an old friend. When I was about 10, my sister and cousin and I spent one particular wet September holiday together, weeping over it.
I immediately bought it to read with my eight-year-old daughter.
A Peep Behind the Scenes is about poor little Rosalie, forced to travel from fair to fair in England with her cruel father and dying mother in a travelling theatre.
One day, a visiting preacher hands her a picture of the Good Shepherd holding a lamb, with the text underneath: “Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost. There is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner that Repenteth”.
By the time Rosalie had converted her fifth sinner, my daughter was asking “When are we were going to get the fourth Harry Potter book?”
Despite this, I persevered the next night, but when we came to the sermon about how only the spotlessly white can enter heaven, my daughter said, “This is a load of bull, isn’t?”
I later discovered that the book was first published in 1877 as part of the 19th Century Lamplighter Rare Collectors’ Series – Christian books often given as Sunday School prizes.
The book was said to be an excellent tool for teaching discernment. But it didn’t work for my daughter, as she and her brother are now both in show business.
I make this point because amazingly, A Peep Behind the Scenes is still in print – and is available on Kindle.
It’s been made into a film and there’s a Wikipedia page about it, and another one about the author, Amy Catherine Deck, a preacher’s daughter (1849- 1939) who wrote under her married name of Mrs O. F. Walton and specialised in Christian books.
A Peep Behind the Scenes is also immortalised on Project Gutenberg. Mrs O. F. Walton also has 21 books on Goodreads, with an average rating of 4.19 out of five stars, 1,830 ratings in total, 211 reviews and has been shelved 4,003 times. So far.
“Shelved” means you have added a book to your library by placing it on one of the exclusive shelves on Goodreads, such as, Read, Want to Read or Currently Reading.
Nance Donkin, (1915-2008), who received an Order of Australia in 1986 and this society’s prestigious Alice award in 1990, also has a Wikipedia page and 21 books on Goodreads.
Average rating 3.38 out of five stars, 16 ratings, two reviews – shelved 53 times.
One reason for this disappointing comparison is that the works of Amy Catherine Walton live on, while those of Nance Donkin do not, as all are out of print, although some are available on Amazon second-hand.
It’s easy to assume that works that don’t live on are undeserving – just as it’s easy to assume that work that doesn’t find a publisher is undeserving.
But the questions of whose work lives on and whose gets published are as complex as they are interesting.
On January 5 1951, in her Bookworm Corner column published in The Argus Weekend Magazine, Nance Donkin offered her own definition of a “good children’s book”.
“One of the real tests of a good children’s book, is that adults should be able to read it right through and find it holds their interest,” she said.
If the opinion of Dr John Hughes, retired Senior Lecturer in Education at Deakin University in Melbourne is any indication, Nance Donkin’s books do more than just hold interest.
In his paper titled Convicts and Settlers: Nance Donkin’s Novels of early Sydney and More, published on Academia, Dr Hughes describes Donkin as “a popular and prolific author” in her day, whose work has fallen into “unwarranted neglect”.
To examine why, Hughes analyses the plots and characters of Donkin’s main works, comparing them to her contemporaries and the popular children’s authors who came after her, and concludes:
“Nance Donkin is not a children’s author with the power, or range, for example, of Ivan Southall (arguably Australia’s greatest children’s novelist), or Patricia Wrightson, Morris Gleitzman, Nan Chauncey, Christabel Mattingley, or John Marsden.
“But Donkin presents interesting characters and intriguing narratives, and deserves to be read.”
Hughes suggests a new audience might be found by those interested in our national past.
“Deserves to be read” is an interesting phrase. It implies a right to legacy.
House on the Water (1970) by Nance Donkin drew both praise and criticism, according to Dr John Hughes, who notes that, over all, Donkin’s work has received “very little critical attention”
In Ancient Greece, as exemplified in Homer’s Iliad, legacy is defined as “time”, spelled like our word time – which is honour, and as “kleos”, which is glory.
And, of course, “kudos”, which was the physical manifestation of glory – the prizes and goodies you amass throughout life – such as the Nance Donkin Award for Children’s Literature.
The “time” or honour is the fame we collect during our lifetime and the glory is what we leave so that the “esomino” – those who live after us – are going to know about us, because that is the way we continue to live.
(These days, thanks to social media, the esomino are going know about us whether they like it or not.)
Historically, it’s been much harder for women to achieve this “time”, “kudos” and “kleos” – firstly because historically women were mostly denied education and status – and are still denied these in many countries today.
And secondly because children’s literature has historically been undervalued.
I recently heard a story about a children’s author who was dating a paediatrician.
One day, as they were driving, he turned to her and said, “When are you going to write a book for grown-ups?”
It was at that moment she knew the relationship was doomed.
Later when she thought about it, she regretted not saying “When are you going to start treating grown-ups?”
I don’t think anyone ever said that to Alan Marshall after he wrote I Can Jump Puddles, his childhood memoir, now considered a “Australian Children’s Classic” although he did also write for adults later.
Interestingly, I Can Jump Puddles, first published in 1955, is still in print, published as a Popular Penguin and an audio book.
I Can Jump Puddles, 1955 first edition.And as a Popular Penguin.
My own experience as a reader, suggests the reason for this.
I was 12 when I read I Can Jump Puddles and like Alan Marshall, who was crippled with polio as a child, I had a leg problem.
I was born with Milroy’s Disease, a form of lymphoedema – a progressive swelling disease that meant my right leg was twice the size of my left.
Nothing was known about lymphoedema then, so it was ignored.
Besides, I had other more pressing problems, including petit mal, a form of childhood epilepsy.
Despite this, I was very “well adjusted” – my mother saw to that.
But in Alan’s story, I saw a kindred spirit – someone who understood my daily struggles that were keenly felt but never articulated.
Seeing my interest, my mother encouraged me to write to him and I became one of the many children with whom he corresponded.
When I was 14, I visited him in his home in Eltham and when I eventually became a journalist, I interviewed him several times.
As Philip Nel, the author of Was the Cat in the Hat Black? – The Hidden Racism of Children’s Literature, says “Children’s books shape us more profoundly than almost anything else we read…because we encounter these when we are very much in the process of becoming…”
Children’s books, he says, tell us whose stories matter and whose don’t.
I Can Jump Puddles told me that people like me mattered.
But children don’t get to decide what matters.
Today in the USA, 19 states have banned children’s books that still matter to millions of readers.
Dr Seuss’s picture book Hop on Pop is banned because it encourages disrespect for fathers.
Charlotte’s Webb because talking animals are disrespectful to God.
And Anne Frank’s diary (Diary of a Young Girl) because it’s too sad, although we may guess at the real reasons.
It’s clear that these bans are a battle of ideologies, and have nothing to do with literary merit.
Australia isn’t banning books, but it is changing them – deleting content that’s considered outdated, offensive or inappropriate – and rewriting it in more acceptable language.
In The Guardian (Australia) in February this year, in the debate about Roald Dahl’s books, Rosemary Johnston, Professor of Education at the University of Technology Sydney, noted that racist depictions of Aboriginal people and Chinese and Irish immigrants had been deleted from the Billabong books by Australian author Mary Grant Bruce (1878-1958).
“It’s really nuanced,” she said. “We want that freedom of expression and to maintain the integrity, but we don’t want to publish anything dangerous that would impact a child’s life.”
I wish they’d thought of that when I was 13 and was given a book with a story about a boy called Joseph whose jealous brothers plotted to murder him, and who eventually threw him into a pit to rot.
That story came from The Children’s Bible, the scariest book I ever read.
The Children’s Bible, published by Paul Hamlyn in 1967, the scariest children’s book I ever read, begins with the words, “The Bible tells the story of God’s dealings with men, and the creation of the world.” Not sure what the women were doing.
Don’t get me wrong. My family wasn’t the least bit religious – otherwise they would have known what was in that book.
The trouble with changing books is that the world is constantly changing culturally and socially.
What are we going to do – keep changing every book with outdated and inappropriate language?
The Iliad does not fit with contemporary sensibilities, with its horrifying depictions of battle and its treatment of women as war prizes. But should we rewrite it?
Personally, I think books should be left alone, as cultural and historical icons of their time. Rather than being banned or changed, the should be used for discussion and learning.
There is also an inherent assumption here that children approach books in the same way as adults.
In a discussion on YouTube with Daniel Hahn editor of The Oxford Companion to Children’s Literature, award-winning UK children’s author Gillian Cross says children read in a different way from adults – “a very immersed way”.
Daniel Hahn adds that the books you read as a child “shape your mental furniture in a way that books we read as adults seldom do”.
This point is exemplified in a 2011 Goodreads review of Nance Donkin’s book Johnny Neptune by Australian poet Janelle Bailey.
Bailey writes: “I first read Johnny Neptune as a child, and with it falling into obscurity since, I thought I would never be able to read it again. But thanks to the blessing of an interlibrary loan, I have at last been able to revisit this story after all these years.”
Johnny Neptune, published by Angus and Robertson in 1971.
At first, based on her recollections of reading it as a child, Bailey gave Johny Neptune three-stars.
After rereading it as an adult, she gave it five stars for historical detail and three stars for plot and character, because Johnny was a bit unrealistic.
But, more interestingly, she added:
“I can’t honestly remember what impact these issues had on me when I read this as a ten or eleven year old.
For this reason I would still recommend Johnny Neptune to any young reader who is interested in the history of Colonial Australia.”
In other words, as a child, she didn’t read it with the critical eye of an adult, but in the immersive way that Gillian Cross suggested.
This doesn’t mean that children aren’t discerning.
I was eight when I read The Toy Princess a story by Mary De Morgan in a collection called A Book of Princesses, selected by Sally Patrick Johnson and published by Puffin Books in 1965.
A book I still treasure, given to me by a beloved aunt Francis Boyd, known to the children in our family as “Ga’, and who was a respected history teacher at Fintona Girls School in Melbourne.
I still have this book, and its description on the front page is strangely apt for our times.
It begins, “There is a time to read stories about people like yourself and a time to read about people who are different.”
The Toy Princess is about a princess who is different. Born into a kingdom where it was frowned upon to say anything more than necessary (boiled down to four phrases: “Just so”, “Yes, indeed”, “Thank you” and “If you please”) the joyous and expressive young Princess Ursula is always transgressing.
Eventually, her fairy godmother removes her to the home of a kindly fisherman and his family – leaving a toy princess in her place.
When Ursula turns 18, she is reunited her with her father, the King, only to discover that the he and his subjects prefer the toy princess.
Princess Ursula gladly returns home to the fisherman’s cottage and marries his son, living happily ever after.
I wish Lady Diana Spencer had read this book.
Not surprisingly, the author, Mary De Morgan, was writing in the time of Queen Victoria and the story was a response to the Victorian requirement for extreme politeness.
The message I took from this book was not to be less polite to my parents, as the book banners might fear.
The message I took away was to value freedom over status – especially as a girl – a lesson that has stayed with me.
As you see, legacy isn’t always the result of prizes, although prizes are still very nice.
In closing, I would like to congratulate all nominees for this year’s Nance Donkin Award, for your courage and talent, and remind you that “legacy” – often fickle and elusive – comes from the moment a child picks up your book and finds something that she can use to “furnish her mind”, or perhaps even change her life.
Members Only, a short play about password dilemmas, will feature in the Acting Out Troupe’s debut performance, Senior Moments, in Mt Barker, South Australia, and will also be performed by students at Butler University in Indianapolis, andBismarckHighSchoolinArkansas, USA.
What do Mt Barker in South Australia, Waiheke Island in New Zealand and Indianapolis, Florida and Arkansas in the USA and have in common?
ALL will be staging my FREE short plays in the coming months.
Hannah Luciani, a theatre major at Butler University, Indianapolis, USA, Emily Golden, a sponsor for the Drama Club at Bismarck High School in Arkansas, USA and Anne Marie Serrano at the Acting Out Troupe in Mt Barker, South Australia, will all be producing Members Only, my short play about the problem of passwords.
William Glenn, theatre instructor at the Pasco-Hernando State College in Wesley Chapel, Florida, will be producing and directing Oliver with a Twist, an absurdist play about modern food culture, with his Theatre Appreciation Class for their final end-of-term project.
And Linda Savage will be producing and directing Advice to Young Lovers on Valentine’s Day, about a much-married florist, for the Artworks Community Theatre in Waiheke Island, New Zealand, as part of the company’s Short ‘Solo’ Play Show.
Meanwhile, Lorri Alexander, from Cape Code, Massachusetts, will be producing the monologue Flowers, about a rebel social worker, at the Academy Playhouse in Orleans.
‘The Last Minute’ a winner at World Monologue Games
I’m also thrilled to report that Clare Martin-Reed in Northhamptonshire in the Midlands, UK, came third in the Regional Finals of the World Monologue Games with my monologue The Last Minute, about a woman who is fed up with Christmas.
Here’s a video (below) of Clare’s wonderful performance (she’s the fourth actor). Congratulations, Clare!
Thank you so much to all those who have chosen to use my work and who have reached out to let me know.
It’s great to feel connected to the international theatre community from way “down under” in my little rural town of Castlemaine in Victoria, Australia.
My FREE monologues and short plays are available on the condition that I am fully credited and you let me know when and how they will be used, and send photos and feedback. I love hearing from you!
Here’s what those who are using my work are saying about it:
“I looked online , happily came upon your monologues and this one really stood out . It’s lovely,”
Lorri , Cape Cod, MA, writing about Flowers.
I had some terrific feedback from those who watched it – they loved the piece.
Clare Martin-Reed (Northhamptonshire, UK), afe about The Last Minute
Finding interesting and challenging monologues for women to assist with auditions can be a difficult task, especially for amateur theatre. It was such a pleasure for me to find a number of your monologues that I would like to use to assist the actors who bravely come out to audition for our local theatre group.
Douglas J. Avram, Elgin Theatre Guild, St Thomas, Ontario Canada.
I absolutely loved it.
Linda Savage, Waiheke Island, NZ, writing about Advice to Young Lovers on Valentine’s Day.
….the kids LOVE this play! I think it is by far their favorite.
Emily Golden, Sponsor for Short Play Festival producing Members Only at Bismarck High school, USA.
Looking for MORE MONOLOGUES FOR WOMEN?
See links below to the individual TURNING POINTS monologues about key moments in the lives of women, or go to the full collection)
Liliana Bernal performs the monologue Flowers at an acting workshop directed by Carole Fenstermacher in Naples, Florida.
Are you looking for FREE audition monologues relevant to women of all ages, including women over 40?
Look no further.
Turning Points is a suite of 42 contemporary audition monologues covering the key stages and decisions in women’s lives – available to actors, directors and drama students and teachers for FREE.
Choose ONE or SEVERAL – OR create your own Turning Points show
The lives of women are marked by difficult decisions.
Many of these decisions are unique to women – such as whether to have a child or an abortion. Many are made more difficult because of politics, religion and social mores.
There is no right decision. Each decision is determined by individual values and circumstances, which is why I have tried to present various perspectives on each topic, without judgement.
My aim is to give voice to these decisions by offering female actors a suite of monologues relevant to their own experiences.
Some of the monologues are based on my experiences as a woman. Others are inspired by the many women I met in my 30-plus years as a journalist, or on the stories of other women in my life.
Most are stand-alone monologues, so back story is up to you.Character names and ages are only for guidance.
Some have been previously published but are included here because they fitted the theme.
Theindividual monologues are made available for FREE as individual audition or performance pieces on the condition that I am fully credited, and that you let me know when, where and how they are performed, and provide feedback and photos where possible.
Alternatively, all or a selection may be presented together in a 60-90-minute show called Turning Points – Key Moments in the Lives of Women by JANE CAFARELLA, for a negotiated fee, depending on whether your group is amateur or professional. (Contact me at jane.cafarella@gmail.com)
Feedback is welcome. Tell me what resonates and what doesn’t, what works on the floor and in front of the camera and what doesn’t. Theatre is a collaborative art and I love to collaborate.
I wish you every success with your acting or directing journey, whether you are a beginner or a professional. As they say in the theatre: “Break a leg!”
Trigger warning: some of the themes may be confronting. Where possible, I’ve also tried to write some monologues that amuse, as a sense of humour is essential in this complex world – especially for women.
Below: Rachel Heslin, after performing The Tidy Grave at Big Bear Theatre in California.
I also have two full-length plays, e-baby (a two-hander about surrogacy) and d-baby, a four-hander about donor conception, available for license, and a selection of short plays available for FREE.
Two of my short Dickens-inspired plays, Oliver with a Twist and Greater Expectations were were produced by student directors at the Alliance Academic in Oregon City for a high school play festival.
Here’s what actors and directors are saying about my work:
I deeply appreciate the authenticity of “The Tidy Grave” as a monologue. I lost my own husband last year, and in a mere two-minute scene, you managed to capture the complex mixture of confusion, heartbreak, and love that carries on. It was perfect. – Rachel Heslin, Monologue Workshop, Big Bear Theatre Project, Big Bear, California.https://www.bigbeartheatreproject.org/
Absolutely amazed and delighted to wake up this morning to the news that I am a Clean Sweep Badge Winner in The World Monologue Games this year. Next stop Regional Finals. Huge thanks to Jane Cafarella for giving me permission to perform The Last Minute. – Clare Martin-Reed, Northhamptonshire, UK.
It was an honour to interpret “Flowers”, under the guidance of Carole. I really loved it and had fun doing it! I am a total amateur and it was my first opportunity to act speaking English. My native language is Spanish. – Liliana Bernal, participant in the Acting Workshop directed by Carole Fenstermacher, Naples, Florida, USA.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. The monologue is delicious. … I really cannot say enough about how much I enjoy your writing and sense of play. – Allison (Allie) Parlin, New Jersey, USA, re the bespoke monologue “Snapped”.
Thank you so much for these plays! I love Oliver With A Twist, because it is funny, and a clever story. – Greyson Neumayer, student director, Alliance Charter Academy, Oregon City, Oregon, USA.
And thank you, to the actors and directs who reach out to me. It’s so valuable to me as a writer and gratifying to be able to help actors and directors all over the world
I’m also happy to work with you to produce a personally tailored monologue or to tweak an existing one to suit. My aim is to engage with the acting community globally and to particularly encourage older women actors, amateur or professional, as well as students of all ages. Get in touch!
Saying no can have serious consequences for women – don’t blame us if we struggle
Some years ago, my female friends and I were impressed by the six-year-old granddaughter of family friend, who when asked to do anything would first consider her options and more often than not, reply simply and politely: ‘No, fanks.’
She became our role model. “No, fanks,” we would laugh, play-acting difficult issues in our own lives, as we chatted over coffee.
But when the play acting stopped, most of us were tongue-tied.
For women of all ages, it’s not the c word that’s forbidden – it’s the n word: NO!
The result, for many, is sticking with a job we hate, a relationship we hate, a life we hate, and sometimes a self we hate.
There are many books and articles about this: about how we smile when we should frown, laugh when we should cry and agree when we should be disagreeable.
Just a few weeks ago, the ABC Radio National program Life Matters ran a segment titled The Cost of Being Good, interviewing Elise Loehnen, author of On Our Best Behaviour – the Price Women Pay to be Good.
The book examines how women strive to be good within the context of the seven deadly sins and how this has coerced us into denying our true selves.
The problem, Leohnen said, was that “women are coded for goodness and men are coded for power”.
“The problem is we’re so scared of conflict. It’s essential that women get in touch with their anger because it shows us what we need and where our needs aren’t being met,” she said.
In her book, she argues for a rebalancing of this expression of needs.
What’s changed? In the 90s, in my role as a journalist, I interviewed authors Claudia Bepko and Jo-Anne Krestan about their similar book, Too Good For Her Own Good – Breaking Free From the Burden of Female Responsibility.
In that book, the authors explored the “women’s code of goodness,” and why, despite all our efforts, we can never feel good enough.
They recommended moving to “a code of balance”, which included a checklist of ways we can change and improve ourselves.
Sigh.
While there are many insightful and useful tips in both books, both ignore one important thing.
It’s not because we are weak, desperate to be liked, programmed for empathy, not assertive enough, or not angry enough that we struggle to say no.
We are not the problem.
It’s because we have learned that saying no can have consequences – serious consequences – for ourselves and those we care about.
In fact and fiction, we are continually warned of these consequences.
The princess in the story of Rumpelstiltskin can’t bring herself to say, “No fanks!”, when Rumpelstiltskin demands that she spins straw into gold because if she fails to spin, the thing she most loves in the world – her child – will be snatched from her.
It’s a cautionary tale.
In reality, it might even be your own life that will be snatched away, as the statistics about family violence show.
They also show that women say no all the time on issues of consent – men just have trouble listening.
“Woman was packing her bags to leave abusive relationship before fatal bashing”, said one Guardian headline last week.
On the same day there was a similar headline in The Age: “ ‘You are evil’ – husband’s despicable murder of childhood sweetheart” – about another woman who paid with her life for trying to leave her violent husband.
Saying no is risky. Being agreeable has always been a survival mechanism for the economically, physically and socially powerless and that is the historical lesson we have learned.
But perhaps it’s time for some risk assessment?
There are times when we must say yes or die. But there are other times when the death is metaphorical and survivable, if uncomfortable – as I discovered recently when I said no – in roundabout way – to someone who wanted something I couldn’t give.
It wasn’t personal. For health reasons, I just couldn’t manage the task. But as soon as I said it, I wanted to offer an apology.
“Why?” my husband asked. “The person has accepted your decision. End of story. Forget it.”
But I couldn’t. I worried that the other person would think ill of me, and that I had hurt their feelings.
It took a few days, but eventually I accepted my own decision, recognising the risk was low and the reward was high – protecting my health.
I felt better. Freer.
Until a few days later, when I said yes to someone else when I should have said no.
It’s a life-long battle. Perhaps more so for older women like myself who were socialised more traditionally?
But struggling to say no doesn’t mean we are lacking. It’s simply a sane response to a historic and continuing gender-power imbalance.
Despite our many gains, as the 2022 UN Women Gender Snapshot shows, there is a disturbing backlash against women’s sexual and reproductive rights and violence against women remains high.
When we struggle to invoke the power of no, we don’t need checklists on how to improve ourselves.
We need courage and support to understand when saying no will risk our life – and when it will save it.
